Death is Beautiful.

I want to embrace you. Please come to me, take me in your arms and never leave me.

‘Death’ is often perceived to be the flip side of ‘life’. We know it stands from the moment of birth, just a breath away.

Animals do not fear death. They are just wired by evolution to stay protected from it – from predators – from a hostile environment – from undesirable food – even perhaps from naturally occurring bugs. So many species live on the fringes, brushing with death on a seeming continuum. I guess all intelligent species know when their natural end is near, and prepare for it. Eventually they all retire to a secluded spot, at least those in the wild, and pass away; albeit peacefully, as far as we can tell, with no outward signs of distress, than just a wasting away.

I wonder what must happen if death plays a “catch me if you can”. We thought life ebbs slowly towards death, unless death comes and grabs you by the scruff, leaving you with no chance to even close your eyes.

We wonder when the transition must take place. Medically we all know that the heart and lung must cease, the eyes will get fixated and glazed, and of course there should be no response to a stimuli. This might be a way to define one as having been engulfed by death. But what if one is in death’s embrace, staring at its face, and into the darkness of its foyer, but not being engulfed – waiting – eternally waiting.

Should we welcome death? I guess we must when we know the end is near. I guess we must when we are in its embrace. And surely we will pine for it when suffering the immeasurable pain that sometimes comes as a byproduct of living. The more intense the pain the more we will call out to death to take us deeper in its arms. Pain is the only feeling that finds a way to cloak itself around our bodies, minds and even our soul. The pain of a wounded body is unimaginable. The pain of a wounded soul is catastrophic . Just as it destroys fully, it will also rebuild, renew, reform and reawaken in a new realm. The term “Born Again” perhaps is best meant to describe a cathartic renewal into awakening. Not perhaps of the ‘living being’ kind but of a spiritual kind – one where life can exist outside the physical realm. This purging through the death wall as it were, is never planned, and if it ever comes about, changes one forever.

On the weekend just gone by, we stared at the darkness of death’s foyer, and with our suffering child pleaded with the greatest of forces in the world – the dipole of creation/destruction – to take him. The journey and the event is still jangling in our nerves and our spirit. We felt we had to share it.

Khushi describes the events.

"Our dear son Chotu, our prince, passed away on 20th Jan, Sunday evening. He was our ‘Top dog’, the alpha male of the pack. He jumped 6 feet walls, played catch with button coconuts, rolled with his sister Chungi as they played “catch me if you can”. Bullied his mother playfully, and just as much enjoyed the company of his brother Simba and little sisters Didi and Simi."

Chotu sitting at the back with a blue collar (6 months)

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Chotu playing with his mother and sister in yellow collar"

He led the pack. He was confident. Very secure. He didn’t demand much. He was a man of self respect.
It was heartbreaking to see this proud handsome being, tremble, convulse and collapse each time he tried to stand. His pain was excruciating. His kidneys having decided to pack up around the last quarter, brought up the climax last week heralding us into the most traumatic and life altering time of our lives. None of us have ever witnessed so much suffering in any living being.

He fought with all his might till the end, three whole days, shattering walls, ripping out our souls and wrenching out love from each one of us. He leveled us all. He broke down barriers which humans could not. In death, pain, and suffering he brought us all together, down on our knees, pleading and crying, to stop his pain, but all in vain. We were shattered. We wanted to give him our life, just to stop his suffering, but we could do nothing. Never felt so helpless.

Those scenes will never go away from our memories. All through those day and night time rides to the Vet, – laying him down on large mattresses, spending the nights sleeping on the floor with him, just to make sure, he didn’t hurt himself during the violent convulsions – the days of feeding him through a syringe, cradling him on our lap, caressing him, holding on to him through the violent heaving of his starving body, hugging him, petting him, kissing him, whispering to him, reminding him, what a brave soul he was – while praying and praying – asking God for deliverance. He changed me irreversibly, he changed us all.
It felt like he was being crucified like Jesus for all our sins. Poor thing, he took it all on himself. What a powerful soul and spirit.
I wish he didn’t have to suffer like this. I wish he didn’t have to be poked. I wish he never brought out blood. I wish he never ever had to convulse. I wish he is now healed. I wish we will meet again.

God bless him!

Flying High

Anybody who has witnessed death up close cannot come away without gulping down our undesired turbulence – forcefully regurgitated from our comfort zones. But when you see death so violent, so painful, so distant from us in realms , yet so close, injecting us with the pain of a million knives. It is difficult to describe.

Many of our friends and animal lovers condoled us with very warm notes. We thank each one of them from the bottom of our hearts. We could not however tell them that we were not grieving for a lost pet. This was something altogether different. The experience ripped us up. We have kept pets for 35 years and have lost all of them, and will continue to lose them. We have savoured the love they gave us and took comfort that we gave them all. Here too we were ready to let him pass. We knew, the Vet knew, that his condition was a terminal one and it was only a matter of time. Blood tests were proof of the decline. But as all Vets do, this one too decided to do all he could to keep him alive. When I enquired about Euthanasia a week ago, he dismissed it saying “We must try to get him out of this. Let us try.” It sounded like a brave call, and why would we not try?

It was only during the last 3 days when his condition took a frightful turn for the worse, that we started losing our hopes. I again suggested Euthanasia, but once again he said, ” Let us see”. On the last day, the shock of his words stunned us. He said, “I have never killed anyone, so I will not take a life”. All this was happening at his clinic. Then he proceeded to do what he called a percutaneous dialysis. For this we had to keep the poor thing on his back, hold up all his legs in the air, while he would thrash his body and moan with unimaginable pain, while the Vet would insert a long needle through his abdomen to drain what he said was impure blood. And when we asked him, what happens next, he said “he may live for about 12 hours more”. Throughout this procedure we could not stop our tears- crying and pleading with the Vet to please end his suffering. Thankfully he stopped it and took out the needle. After much hesitation he sedated the poor thing, and told us to go home.

It was dark, the Vet would not put him down, and we had him in our arms, alive and still convulsing with pain inspite of the sedation. How do we end it for him? From home we again pleaded with the doctor to send somebody else who could end this suffering. Finally at 9 pm, an executioner arrived. The entire family stood around Chotu, cradling him, and chanting our prayers aloud, while an oil lamp glowed. The needle of death was finally plunged into him. With the deepest pangs of our tears and cries, his long and painful crucifixion ended in the briefest of a moment. He was liberated. But not before he took away a slice of our soul. Suddenly the knives came out from our bodies, and left behind a deep numbing pain. It will remain, I guess forever.

We saw pain in his eyes, we saw death in his eyes. We saw his trust, his hope his love, his life in his eyes, and through his – in ours. We jangled our nerves in his convulsive bouts, and drank our tears, till they ran dry. He used the power of pain and suffering to bridge large chasms in people’s lives. He bent heads to bow before the God of all – The Dipole – The Duality – The one and only truth that birth and death are the only inevitable outcomesof the universe.

We too have stilled.

So, it was not a grieving for a pet. It was a stunning silence that was left behind. A gaping hole in the warp of time. We had partaken of a dramatic separation of body and soul. And even though it was enacted in another, all of us lost a great big slice of it – watching the dance of death from up very very close.

For those of you interested in learning about the professional obligations of a Veterinarian, here are a few points from the guidelines of the Animal Welfare Board of India. If you need the entire text, please drop me a line.

Euthanasia is an act of inducing humane death in an animal with minimalpain and distress. It is the responsibility of the veterinarian administering euthanasia to ensure that the animal is dealt with highest degree of respect, withan emphasis on making the entire procedure as painless and distress free for theanimal as possible.

Veterinarians have the primary obligation to relieve an animal’sincurable suffering and pain by performing euthanasia.
A veterinarian must not cause any animal to suffer by failing tomaintain adequate paw control and relief of suffering.
Minimal animal distress in handling (reduce animal fear, anxiety,
nervousness)
Careful and effective sedation prior to euthanasia.

The Decision making procedure and the choice of drug to be used are clearly listed for each type of animal. The exact dosage and the method of delivering it are also listed.

It is understood that religious dogmas are clouding the judgment and professional duties required of Veterinarians, and in many cases the animals in need of this merciful procedure including their owners are left to suffer the consequences of the doctors abdication of his/her duty.

We hope this episode will spur animal lovers to take some action, to keep ready a list of doctors or their attendants who will carry out Euthanasia when required.

Thank you for reading! Please share and spread the message.

–Yen