Let's Treat Each Other With Dignity
Sat, 18 Jan 2025
Let's treat each other with dignity
The other day, I was at odds to explain to a friend - who was betrayed by her own close friend (called D), to restrain herself from abusing, condemning and seeking a vengeful retaliation, and on the contrary, allow sympathy to formulate her response, offering in return, a prayer for the misguided soul.
My discussion went on these lines, restraining her from calling the turncoat a ‘snake’.
"First learn to respect the intrinsic nature of a human soul. What is the definition of "snake" in slang? Somebody who betrays. From that definition, aren't we all doing that? People unwittingly draw out information from other people by befriending them with a friendly posture. We all do this. Recording a person’s conversation without consent, or filming them without their knowledge, are all crimes. Some of us do that too. If it's OK for us, its Ok for everyone else too. Live by the same rules. Let's not judge people by our misplaced yardstick.”
"I am in agreement that D conned you. We are all conned by people who make tall promises, never intended to be kept. So often our best friends, close associates, and even loved ones do it. Think about it. Living is all about waiting patiently for some promise or agreement to be kept. Eventually our patience runs out.”
Every dysfunctional individual like D here, is born with warped and convoluted codes in their genes. Every single thought that originates in our brain, and which thereafter results in an action or response is engineered by the expression of proteins in a set of genes. Each of us are wired differently, meaning each of us have many variations in the codes that are integral to our 3 billion base pairs of nucleotides that make our DNA. These variations likely result from mutations, and are conserved across generations. An individual frequently shows up with the worst of these variations and we then go on to slot them as criminals or cons or whatever. These are what are called “mental health issues”. Many are classified as Bipolar or Schizoid related, many others fall under OCD’s, addictions, and a large number of them are lumped under the term - "weird”.
I went on to press my argument as follows.
"D has a family who loves her and others too, as are friends, and well wishers. I don't think we are fit to judge her, whether she needs to be condemned. If there is a legal issue then courts will deal with that. Can you imagine in every court in the world there is a truth lying fully hidden under a torrent of lies. Both opposing attorneys are more often than not miserly with the truth. The judge knows it too.”
There are no saints in the world. We mortals are all sinners. Violent and selfish hypocrites, quick to pass judgements on others, while posturing as good samaritans. The world is like this. We take offence when somebody passes a judgement on us. So let's not be harsh on others. We have the right to move away. To break the relationship. To plead before the law. But there is no surety you will win anywhere. There is only one truth and that is not easily visualised by a human. Calling others animal names or abusing them because we got caught up in their web is not done, as we are also unwittingly weaving and luring some unsuspecting human into our web. We all deceive. That's our first nature. So let's not pronounce ourselves as being holy.
There should be an element of dignity in the way we treat anybody - any life form. And more so when we treat an enemy or an opponent. We can agree to disagree and shake hands and move on. Abusing them because they turned from our corner to the opponents corner is not heresy.
I continued to expand on my argument.
"Look at the sports world. There is a fierce rivalry on the field. But once you come away, camaraderie replaces it. In IPL Cricket, guys become friends and opponents from year to year. Tempers rise, jealousy and bad mouthing - all goes on with a lot of politics behind the scene. But can we learn from a few wise guys, the meaning of “dignity”? My favourite was "Rahul Dravid". He never spoke a wrong or abusive word. Or Sachin, or Kumble and there are so many. I am trying to make you understand the meaning of the word dignity. It's not about trying to measure D's crime. It's about the way we respond to abuse.”
"I am not MK Gandhi, but I salute his wisdom of - "Ahimsa ". The word stems from an ability to still the mind. Violence starts in the mind, it shows in the choice of words we use, and ultimately in our physical action. I am also a sinner, so I am not defending myself. I am saying that I am not fit to judge D enough to condemn her to hell. She did nothing more than bluff her way as many young mischievous children do. She made us believe by her power to convince. How did she do that? Because essentially we were lured by the thought of wealth creation and power, both these are woven into every act of man. Our nature is to dominate through the use of force. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
"Success in her early days corrupted D even more than what her mutated genes did by birth. Destiny will bring balance to her life, we don't have to pull levers for that. All of us will face the eventual truth.”
There is a point I wanted to touch upon - the concept of a “buddy”. In the ethos of the armed forces, a buddy is the most valuable and permanent relationship that is sought to be created. Right from the first day of training in all the elite academies of the world, the buddy system is instituted as a baseline core value. In a nutshell it is, as described by a veteran combat soldier - “Two sets of eyes looking at different, but connected, areas will recognize threats the other is not seeing. Your buddy stops, points, and both have each other's backs. Both carry on to complete the mission.”
Here each mission - some as small as an hour perhaps - will see different buddies working together. What is important to remember here is that a buddy might sacrifice his/her life for the other.This is an alien concept in “Civvy street”. Uniformed people around the world, in tasks other than combat too, carry these values into their work. It is enshrined in our Marine life to give ourselves completely to save another if we have to. Firefighters, and first respondents everywhere approach a crisis with this stance. Civilians around the world struggle to grasp this kind of dedication and loyalty, bordering on sycophantic mania. Here I am trying to drive home the point that a buddy in combat will never betray his/her other half, and ratting on each other would never ever occur to them.
What is it that learning platforms like schools and institutions, other than military academies lack? Is there something fundamentally missing in the way we value human beings? The irony is that militaries train their wards to kill. Could we in civilian life use these techniques to train our wards, on the other hand, to love and respect human beings in toto?
Learn the art of restraint. Everything will play out right only if we have the patience to allow it. And none of us should pretend that we are holier than the holiest. We must press ourselves to be transparent and honest, but we must accept that by nature we are not, so it's bound to peep out sometimes. But if we are truly "ahimsa" people, then we will pause, apologise and move ahead. That's the art of dignified living. I wish we all learn and practice it, and I pray that D will too.
I think a lot of our world view is structured over the way we evolved in society. Today we start running from the time we are born. Our parents at first and then through our peers and finally we ourselves as individuals, are in a relentless pursuit of 'MORE'. It’s time to step back. Maybe slow down, and perhaps let go of our unnecessary lifestyle gadgets, 24x7 mobile connectivity, or indulgences in stimulated entertainment. Our ego’s are tied to success at any cost, and are likely pushing a “my way” or the “highway” approach.
We have reached many of our goals, yet the desire for 'more' lingers. But for whom? For what? Perhaps we believe that happiness lies just beyond our next achievement or acquisition. This relentless chase can become an obsession with "I” and "Me”. In reality we may be missing out on genuine fulfillment from meaningful relationships and true contentment.
Take a moment to reflect.Those of us who genuinely smile, forgive, forget, and love - others as much as ourselves - often experience the deepest happiness. When we love what we do, it can be easy to take on more — more tasks, more deadlines, more hours – but before we know it, often we tend to overlook what we loved in the beginning.
Don’t just do more – do more of what you love doing and do best of all.
Once when we were young, very young, we might have prioritised quality time over material gain, but as it often happens, somewhere along the way, the balance tipped. Money is no doubt a critical need, but once we reach a reasonable limit, the returns start diminishing from the perspective of happiness, unless we have the wisdom to use it for the wellbeing of society.
Can we create a culture that brings out the best in all of us?
Acceptance - Recognition - Acknowledgement - Inclusion - Fairness - Independence - Understanding - Benefit of doubt - Accountability.
Can we use all of the above to practice the art of “Dignified Living”?
The happiest people are often those who give and receive care while crafting meaningful connections. Reading, writing, music, art, time in nature, and many soulful pursuits enrich life’s tapestry. Professional achievements alone are sure to leave a void that no wealth can fill. Society’s symbols of success motivate us to build relationships solely around wealth, power, and possessions, creating an inherent hollowness at the start itself. Despite our luxurious brands, a beautiful home, sleek limousines, and a hefty bank balance, life can feel incomplete, synthetic and hollow. The race to the top is a zero sum game. Whatever we have achieved seems less compared to the other, who seemingly stands atop us. Something seems rosier there. That's how we breed envy within. It's natural then, considering our warped stance, to do whatever it takes to get ahead. Ratting and selling out a friend seems such a righteous tactic. We keep constantly altering our baseline values to justify our ends. I am able to say this with decades behind me that the more we mutilate the foundational values and ethics of life - all life - the more we will distance ourselves from the baseline coordinates of the realm - called “Happiness”.
On our last day, our branded possessions will not matter. Often even close ones like spouses may not. We will long for the true warmth of a loving soul. If a partner or a spouse provides that then it is a life well lived. It is but a fact that distances grow in family structures, conversations dwindle, spending quality time disappears. Sometimes a pet might offer a more genuine companionship. Retiring rich but disconnected is no victory. That's why it's never late to rebuild relationships with what I always call - “unconditional” love, which necessitates us shedding our masks of hypocrisy, while embracing self acceptance. Once we start giving love out to others unconditionally, it will come back to us too.
It's important to understand that loneliness is a universal disease which strikes all of us - mortal humans. All those emotions we feel are felt by others too. If we can restrain our egos, ground ourselves in humility - rekindle love and affection; returning home as it were to our best friend, that empties the vat of loneliness and despair, refilling it with overflowing cascades of happiness. Our pursuit of "MORE” only creates illusions of happiness, fostering shallow friendships. Let’s treat all individuals - all life forms with the utmost dignity. Look within, look beyond, stretch your hand - this is the moment - one life - one joy - one long eternal happiness.
“Praise like sunlight helps all things to glow”
Yen
